you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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