bring money and cleavage
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
