I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
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