I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
