Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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