You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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