my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
