Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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