definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
