Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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