I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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