i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
