Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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