I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
