Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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