I think I just saw someone hide a body.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
