And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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