Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
