I wish my penis had an off switch
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
