non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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