I wish my penis had an off switch
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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