You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
