She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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