Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
