I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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