can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
