he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
