i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
