It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
