Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
