so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
