There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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