I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
