How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
