Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
the condom got lost in my hair
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
