You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Are we still banned from the library?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
