New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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