why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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