i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
