he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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