1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
