last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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