dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
