Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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