I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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