lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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