Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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