were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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