went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
