I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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