I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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